I wasn’t interested in the chair
I was in a coffee bar when he came in. He didn’t walk in, he wheeled his chair
in. For the moment I saw him I couldn’t
take my eyes off him and I just hoped he couldn’t see me looking. I wasn’t staring, I knew that. The chair didn’t interest me, just the man in
it. His face shone a bright light around
the room and with joy I realised that he had eased his chair into the table
next to mine. Suddenly, I was interested
in the chair. I loved the movement and
the way the chair was part of him. A
silly, silly loud woman was nearby explaining to her child all about a
wheelchair. He didn’t seem to notice but
I did. I didn’t want anything to disturb
this untouchable union. I felt connected
to this man and I knew he was looking at me.
He wasn’t using his eyes; that would be too easy for him. He had a hard route through life so he was
used to finding new ways to see. Just,
very occasionally, he turned his head and looked past me. I knew he was looking right at me and what is
more, he knew I knew.
He chatted to his friend as he drank coffee and I watched
some more. He looked like he worked out
and he had one of those T shirts on that said ‘sport’ with the little
collar. He wore deep blue denim jeans
and his legs weren’t thin. I expected
them to be thin. His arms were
absolutely glorious. I love men’s
forearms and I adored his. He also had a
fabulous tan. With all that, I could invent a life for him. I could see him teaching sport. As I listened to his voice he talked with
real authority like a teacher does. I
heard him say ‘student’ so now he became a university lecturer. I was still happy with my invention. I then heard a few well chosen phrases about
boats and sailing so he became a sailing instructor for university
students. It explained the tan.
I found myself touching my hair in that way that we girls do
when we want to be noticed. I wasn’t
sure why I did that because I knew I had been noticed. I felt spellbound as he turned and this time
he looked right at me and smiled. It was
a wonderfully full moment full of intensity and intent. It said ‘lie down with me’ and I silently
said ‘yes’.
I watched and I listened some more. Another man went to pay his bill at the bar
and while he was waiting he did a shuffle to the music playing. It was a man shuffle and it was horrid. I remember the contrast of the chair as it
eased in next to me. Why can’t all men
be in chairs…
That didn’t matter because my man was in a chair and he sat
in it very well. He was using his hands
to speak and they were strong hands that I desperately wanted to touch me. As I focused on the hands the rest of the
coffee shop view glazed over. It
disappeared into itself and I was just left with the man in the chair. In the hazy mist there was constant movement
and I began to get irritated with the sounds in the space. They stopped me hearing all his words and I
felt cheated. The same silly woman had
sat down now and I could hear every word she said and I didn’t want to hear any
of her words.
I heard him say ‘camping’ and ‘two days’ and I could see him
in the great outdoors. He would be
perfect out there rather than confined in a coffee shop with silly women. He began to talk with more energy. In his head he was outside and I stepped
outside with him. His chair sped forward
and I picked up pace to keep up. As I
reached level with him he took my hand and we stopped. We were outside and we were holding
hands. Those hands that I so desperately
wanted to touch me and now they were.
Strong, careful hands that made me feel safe and loved both at the same
time. In the same second he let go and
wheeled onwards towards a small wood, just ahead. I followed with no sense of where we were
going or what we would find when we got there.
The light was challenged by the trees and only just managed to find ways
into this new and enchanting space.
Still he wheeled and still I followed.
I could hear the woodland floor crackling under the weight of his chair
and I could hear distant bird song but the rest of the world had
disappeared. The wheels were strong and
their pathway straight. I felt like I
was wandering rather than walking. Why
could I not keep up?
All at once the chair stopped. As I approached I heard the effort. The strong arms were now being called upon to
ease his body out of the chair. He did
this in one complete and deep movement and was on the woodland floor. I looked down, standing over him and I dare
not even breathe. He pushed the chair
out of the way as I sunk to my knees. He
held onto my hand again and looked past me again. I smiled and I knew he could see my
smile. Slowly and with such tenderness I
curled my body round his. Is this what
he meant about lying down next to him? I
didn’t care. I was next to him and that
was all that mattered.
I heard him say ‘one more decent trip in me’. I didn’t hear anymore as he turned his chair
and left the coffee shop. Quietly, but
tenderly I said good bye.
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