I’m turning for home.
I am ready to go home and I am not sure why it has taken me this
long. I have been away a life time, but
yet a heart beat. They have always been
in my thoughts but I have not been ready before. I am ready now.
The day I left started as a normal day in the hectic lives
we lived. Hattie and Jake were arguing
over the cereal box free gift and Mark was searching for his keys and bemoaning
how late he was. In that second I
entered a new space. I was not in my
kitchen and I was not surrounded by my family.
I was quite alone. I could not
see my new world, I could just feel it.
In the next second I was once more back in my kitchen that bore witness
to hectic morning after hectic morning.
As Mark flew out the door screaming at the children to get in the car I
moved to the front door. I could see
them all from there and I could wave. I
was waving goodbye.
The next few hours are not clear in my mind. I know I cleared away the breakfast things, I
always clear up. I hate mess. I know I took my keys as I walked out the
door. Did I think then that I would, one
day, be back.
The days that followed were much clearer. I drove for miles and miles until I could
drive no more. I booked into a hotel and
I just waited. I am not quite sure what
I was waiting for but I waited nevertheless.
I waited until I could speak again and I waited until I could
breathe. Slowly, quietly, I could feel
the breath return into my lungs and I took shorts gasps just to feel the air as
it moved around my body. The first day I
spoke was to ask for directions in this new and strange town that I found
myself in. I wanted a newspaper. I wanted to find out what was going on in the
world. As I walked back to my hotel I
saw an advertisement for a receptionist. I had worked as a receptionist before I had
the children. I could do that again, I
knew I could.
I spoke at my interview and I was surprised at how well I
spoke. But when they asked the question
‘do you have any family?’ I said ‘no.’ Why did I say that? Did I no longer have a family? Had I given them up? I must have said some right words because I
got the job and started almost immediately.
Over the next few days as I encountered new and strange people at work I
invented a whole new life for myself. I
was single and had previously worked in a library and I was looking for a fresh
start. I heard a couple of the girls
whispering about me and they assumed I had a failed relationship so I let them.
Was my relationship to Mark a failure? I was not sure so I waited some more. I waited every morning as I walked to work
and I waited every evening. I had
managed to find a room in a house not far from where I worked. It was more of a granny annex attached to a
house and I was pretty much left alone.
I liked being alone as I could wait in peace. I never once touched our bank account or
called anyone from my old life. I didn’t
want to be found, just yet.
My life settled into a routine. I was careful not to become too friendly with
anyone because I didn’t want a social life.
I had a social life in my old life and it choked me. The endless chatting about nothing important
filled me with dread every time I saw one of them in the street. I would smile, but behind my eyes a different
emotion was brewing. I hated all of
them, every single one of them. I hated
their moaning, I hated their selfishness and I always hated their latest hair
cuts. I hated it all and I was glad it
wasn’t in my life anymore.
My new life offered me so much more. I could wake to just the sounds of the day,
instead of shouting and arguing. I could
take my time over breakfast and I could walk to work. I was useful at work and I felt content in
that. I smiled at all our customers and
went out of my way to be helpful and accommodating. When my helpful day was over I walked home
the long way which took me to the river.
I loved the river. Over time I
could see the seasons changing and leaving their mark on the river. As it wound its way through the town it paused
every so often to imprint itself on our place.
I listened to the story of the river and would pause quite often to see
its charm. It was in those brief moments
that I would see their faces. Hattie’s
always arrived first with Jake right behind and I smiled at them and said
‘hello.’ I hoped they could hear
me.
When they were born I was suspended in time for days as I
tried to come to terms with being a mum.
Not a mum of one baby, but two and so far out of my depth that I thought
I would cry forever. I cried for days
and then weeks but eventually the tears were replaced with half smiles and then
proud beaming smiles and I knew I had found the joy of motherhood. That feeling of joy carried me through so
much and I rather depended on it. I
realise now that I had taken it for granted.
Slowly, from the edges that feeling was under threat. It was threatened by a new set of feelings
that began to erase the joy. These new
feelings asked me questions all the time.
So many questions that would never stop, even at night. I would lie awake listening to sleep all
around me, but still the questions came.
Eventually, I had the courage to start answering the questions but I did
not like my answers and so would whisper them quietly for fear I would hear
them.
Weeks, months and year had passed like this and I am not
sure I smiled once all that time. My
mouth smiled and the world believed it but my heart never smiled. My heart was heavy and I became tired of
carrying it around all day, every day.
Just occasionally I would see something and my heart felt light
again. Hattie sharing a moment with her
twin or Mark cutting the grass. But
mostly my heart weighed me down and became a burden.
My new life trundled forward and months became two
years. I managed to stay alone and
distance people from me and I managed to live.
That was important because I had forgotten how to live before I arrived
in my new place. Springs turned to
summers and summers to autumns and then the winters. The winters were cold and the river left such
a sad imprint on the town during those months.
I stopped walking along the river then and waited for the spring to
arrive. It was after the second winter,
which was particularly long, that I became desperate for the spring. I wanted to, once again, walk along the
river. I wanted to see the nests being
built and I wanted to see the green shoots poking up through the water.
At last the spring did arrive. I heard it very clearly in the bird
song. What happened next is unclear
again. All I know is that I was
driving. I was driving home. The miles stretched out ahead of me and time
seemed to stand still as I drove my car along the roads that led me home. I was ready, I knew I was. I could see all their faces now. Hattie with her cheeky smile, Jake with his
cross face and even Mark was looking at me.
He could see me, I knew he could and I could see him.
As I turned the corner into our street I just stopped by the side of the road, some distance from the house and waited. I waited for them to come home and I waited to be with them once more. As their car pulled into the drive I could hardly breathe. My breath was starting to escape from my lungs. I saw Hattie first as she tumbled out of the car with Jake close at her heels. Her face had changed and Jake had grown so tall. I heard Mark’s voice as he stepped out of the car. I couldn’t see his face as he fumbled for his keys and opened the front door. The door that I used to stand at and wave them off. They all walked into the house and the door closed. I had no breath left. I started my car and slowly, very slowly drove past the house. I kept driving and I didn’t look back
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